Because of her
by PersephonePrimrose
Summary: Katniss is dealing with the loss of her best friend of nineteen years. There is no one who understands what she is going through, except for her best friend's twin brother, Peeta. On their journey of learning how to deal with their grief they find a way to honor and forever keep her memory alive and maybe something else as well. AU Modern


I would just like to thank my absolutely amazing beta kdloveshg who helped not only make this readable but also answered all of my questions, offerred up ideas and was just overall super helpful and kind. This story would not be possible without her.

"Katniss," Prim's voice is followed by several knocks on the door to Katniss' apartment, "you can't just keep yourself locked up in there" she continues, frustration seeping into her voice. "It's been a week and you haven't left your apartment. Have you been eating? Do you even know what today is?" Katniss lets out a breath. She loves her sister and knows she means well, but she can't deal with this right now. She won't be able to deal with this for a long time - maybe not ever. "Come on," Prim's voice once again permeates the silence "are you really not going?"

Katniss finally answers, her voice tired and full of grief, "No, I'm not Prim. I can't…" Katniss falters, "I can't, see her like that" she finishes, her voice strained. Prim responds understanding and sympathy evident in her voice.

"Okay, well I'll be there if you change your mind and decide to come." Katniss hears her footsteps leaving down the hallway and sinks further into her bed, relieved that Prim is leaving her be. The black dress hanging in the closet catches her eye and she is struck with another flash of pain. No she wouldn't go and she wouldn't be changing her mind. There was no way she would be able to handle it. Closing her eyes Katniss hopes for sleep to rescue her from her current disastrous reality.

Katniss wakes due to her bladder calling out to be emptied. Almost as soon as she finishes washing her hands in the bathroom there is a gentle knock on her door. "Prim I honestly just want to be alone right now" Katniss calls out as she dries her hands.

"It's not Prim, I just wanted to come check up on you when I saw you weren't at… well you know" answers a distinctively male voice. Katniss immediately rushes over and opens her apartment door enveloping the familiar figure in her arms, the only person who could be hurting more than her right now.

"Peeta." Katniss states stepping back to look at his face; his eyes red rimmed and beginning to shine with new tears. The look in his eyes, understanding as he takes in her disheveled appearance and the fresh tears wetting the dried up tear tracks on her cheeks. Katniss wants to smack herself. How could she have been so selfish? How could she have left him to deal with this on his own? He had suffered so much in his 24 years of life, and yet was so kind he would come to comfort her when he was clearly suffering. He had no one to comfort him. His father had passed away five years ago, and his mother had left and not been a part of his life since before he turned seven. Sure he had Rye and Bannon, but at 15 and 18 years his seniors, the brothers had never been close and they had wives and families of their own to console. Almost as if he had read her mind Peeta wraps his arms around her once again, a silent sign of forgiveness and that an apology hadn't been necessary in the first place. They continue standing in the middle of her open doorway enjoying the simple comfort that being with each other provided. Only separating when the door to her neighbor's apartment opens up, the old drunk who lives there steps out, giving them a curious look, and then sensing the somber mood simply states "Sweetheart" with a nod of his head.

"Haymitch" Katniss responds similarly, watching him stumble down the hallway to the elevators. Shocked he hadn't made one of his usual snarky comments. Realizing that they had been standing in her hallway Katniss invites Peeta into her apartment and is struck by the fact that Peeta is still in his suit - he hadn't bothered to change before coming to see her which means he had come right over. Once again Katniss feels ashamed of herself and her self-centeredness. As they sit on her couch Katniss does her best to avoid meeting Peeta's eyes, overwhelmed by her guilt. "I don't want to say goodbye" Katniss whispers feeling like she owed it to Peeta to explain her absence, whilst looking down at her hands in her lap.

Peeta immediately understands her meaning and takes one of her hands. "Me neither Katniss, but we can't pretend like it didn't happen, that there isn't this huge gaping hole in both of our lives. You know she would want us to be happy even though that seems impossible right now. You are one of my best friends and we've known each other practically our whole lives because of her. There's so much good she caused that still exists, so we don't have to say goodbye to the memory of her."

"But what if I forget? I can't even remember the sound of my Dad's voice. I don't want to forget Peeta; she means too much to forget." Katniss is on the verge of sobbing as big heaping breaths contort her body.

"I know it hurts, and there's no changing or fixing that, there's only learning to live with it."

"What if there's too much hurt to live with Peeta. I know you miss your dad as much as I miss mine, and I know it hurts you that your mother left you when you were seven. Its just like how I still can't forgive my own mother for abandoning Prim and I. The hurt was too much for her to live with, so how do I know it won't be too much for me to live with?"

"Because Katniss you're stronger than her, stronger than she ever was. Plus you have me and I won't let that happen."

"I just don't know how to deal with this Peeta! When my Dad died I was too busy making sure Prim was alright, and too angry at my Mom to focus on how much him being gone hurt. Now it's been 13 years and the pain isn't so fresh anymore."

"How about this: we can make a list, write down all the good things that have happened to us because of her, and that way we'll never forget her and we can remember the good things" Peeta answered.

Katniss sat pondering this idea. It might help to remember the good of her, but she didn't know if she would be able to handle thinking of their past together, knowing that only one of them would have a future, that their 19 year friendship had ended, because her best friend was dead.

Madge Mellark was dead.

Author's Note

Hello thank you so much for reading. This is the first fic that I am publishing on here and so I hope that you are enjoying it so far. I have great plans for this story and am super excited of where it is going. Hopefully you are thinking of seeing it through to the end, because trust me it will be worth it. I would love to hear what you think of the story so far, where you think it's going, and if you have any suggestions or things you want to happen in this story, so LEAVE ME COMMENTS! I am very likely to respond and could very possibly incorporate some of your ideas. Follow this story so you know when I've published a new chapter! Also I'd like to once again thank my SPECTACULAR Beta Kdloveshg, you are amazing.

Penciling with love,

Perse


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